I don’t think any parent ever wants to be a helicopter parent. We’d like to think that when we have children, we assume we will be loving parents that will have well-behaved, well-rounded children who make small mistakes and, due to our love and encouragement, learn the lessons and never repeat the same mistakes again. We will trust our kids to do what’s right. We will instill in them the importance of honesty, the value of hard work, and our kids will turn out just fine.
But what happens when you realize that maybe that might not happen? That no matter how much urging, and teaching, and bitching, and sometimes yelling, that you do, kids might just be taking themselves down the wrong path, despite you trying to warn them that that is not the path they want to go down?
And at what point do you decide to become a helicopter parent looking for control over the situation and outcome, or do you decide to throw up your hands and say, “What will be, will be. It’s out of my hands”?
I think of it like a dead end street. If you know for a fact that there is a dead end, and someone is driving down it, oblivious to the bright yellow warning signs, despite you standing on the side of the road with your arms flailing like a mad woman, yelling, “Go back! This road goes no where!” and they keep going, do you chase after them, or do you let them keep going to find out for themselves?
Even worse, what if it’s not juts a dead end, but at the end, a dangerous cliff that they might not see soon enough? Would you flail your arms, chase the car down the road, pound the windows until they turn their head to look at your, roll their window down, so you can literally pull them from the car?
That’s what parenting is like sometimes.
You try to warn them, but they want to go find out for themselves, or think you’re making a bigger deal about the dead end. But they have no idea if it’s just a “dead end” or if there is actually a steep precipice. In fact, you may not even know for sure, either. You just know this is not the right way, and you’d like to not have your child find out.
That’s how I feel parenting is sometimes. At least, with one of my sons when it comes to schoolwork.
Hubby and I have been through 12 years of public education, with 4 years of college, and with me, another year of a master’s program. We know what works and doesn’t work: taking notes in class, collaborating and studying with classmates, being organized, speaking up and participating in class, being involved in activities, etc.
But no matter how much we try to provide guidance on how to success in school, it falls on deaf ears. It’s not met with verbal resistance or defiance. But the lack of action is all the defiance we need to see that tells us that it’s the same as driving down the road to a dead end and they think that ignoring those who have already traveled down that road doesn’t know what they’re talking about and choosing to keep driving down that road.
And while we know that college isn’t the “end all, be all,” it sure is a great step to add to your life’s plan for success. I know getting a “good job” was demonized after Rich Dad, Poor Dad by Robert K.’s book came out years ago; being an entrepreneur should be the goal. But let’s face it, even if you become an entrepreneur, having an education should be part of the plan, too.
Without college, you better be a self-driven, motivated entrepreneur who excels as managing their time, managing people, putting your nose to the grind, and setting goals for yourself. If you’re someone that possesses these qualities, college is even less important, because I know that you’ll make it for yourself. You’ve got drive and passion, and college, while a good backup, if it weren’t on the table, I would know that you goin’ be aight.
Those are the kids who wouldn’t even attempt to drive down that dead end dirt road, because they know it’s not going to take them anywhere, and they’ve got places to go. Plus, they know how to listen, to heed the warnings of people who have already been down that path. They learn from others without needing to experience it themselves. They’ve got some common sense.
But what about those kids who don’t go to college and don’t possess the drive and motivation? What becomes of them who won’t listen as you flail your arms, warning them that the road they’re driving on leads nowhere, but even worse, there could even be a cliff?
That’s what I’m afraid of. Does it mean I’m not yelling loud enough? Should I have taken the car away that’s whisking them away down that road? Should I have put up a steel barrier to prevent them from going further?
Or do you just let them continue driving after they’ve passed you by, knowing that, even with all those other efforts put in place, they still would be traveling down that road, because they’re too stupid, stubborn, unaware, to believe you about what’s down that road?
I believe that is the hardest part of parenting. I can imagine there is also a lot of guilt at place, too. I imagine the parents whose children continued down that path, only to become the people of society who can’t hold a job (for a number of reasons), who still live at home with their mamas at 40, who haven’t found anything that makes them happy and satisfied, who start things but never finish, who blame everyone else when something goes wrong, who hated school, who never participated in activities at school, and the list goes on.
Behind ever failed kid is a parent who tried, but will always feel guilty and responsible for not doing enough.
It also makes me wonder if those parents also coddle and enable their kids after they reach the Dead End because they beat themselves up because they didn’t install the steel barrier…or didn’t do more to make sure their kids turned back.
But what if it’s not the parents’ fault? What if the kids just wouldn’t listen and nothing the parents said or did would make them listen?
Changing direction doesn’t happen until there’s a personal reason vested for turning around.
For me, when I was 16-17, I decided that I wanted to leave my small hometown and attend college. But if it hadn’t been for a series of experiences that shaped my beliefs about colleges and the kind of life it could afford me, I likely would have continued down my own Dead End. I didn’t have someone there yelling to me to turn around. In fact, the people that I knew in my life would likely have urged me to continue traveling down that path.
It wasn’t until I felt, on my own, that what I truly wanted was in the opposite direction, and I turned around. I began studying nightly, taking notes, getting straight A’s, which had never happened before. But I did it, and proved it could be done. But it had to come from me.
But part of that wasn’t just me. It was going to the University of Maryland College Park for a college tour the year prior and imagining myself on that campus. It wasn’t until I went with my friend and her parents to drop her off at college and seeing how she “got out” of our small hometown and the way she sat on that curb crying as we drove off. It wasn’t until I started flipping through College books with descriptions about each of the colleges and the programs they offered. Suddenly, the world was opening up for me.
And my grades were standing in the way.
The point here is that my experiences ended up shaping my understanding of what could be possible. Without those experiences, I was headed down a Dead End, too. And looking back, there wasn’t anyone flailing their arms for me. The experiences I had became the flailing arms, and suddenly, I wanted to reverse and go back.
I say all this because right now, I am trying to create experiences for my own children so that they will understand that they, too, could end up down a dusty Dead End if they don’t find their own “why.” Dead Ends aren’t fun there. It’s lonely, frustrating, with limited options.
But when they turn around, find their mission and purpose, even if it’s only temporary, it’s better than continuing down a Dead End.
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