Recently Kwasi and I were confronted with how to handle situations when Kwabi is hit by another child. As a parent that loves their child immensely, how should you respond? And when should you respond?
When I found out that I was pregnant and going to be a mom, these types of situations were the furthest from my mind. I fantasized about the dirty diapers, cute toothy grins, sleepless nights, etc. I didn’t project my mind into the future to think about another child or person harming my child.
But here we are, nearing the age of 2, confronted with the question of: What is the appropriate way to handle a child hitting my child? What do I do if my child hits another child? And even further reaching, what to I teach my child about how to respond themselves?
Growing up, I distinctly remember my mom instructing us, “If someone hits you, you hit them back!” I knew that I could escape punishment for my aggressive attack if instigated by another child. I learned that hitting was okay when you were trying to defend yourself.
But that was 1980-something, before children were carrying knives and guns to school…and plotting to duct tape their teacher and deliver blunt-force trauma to the head…and before kids were whipping your ass for looking at them “funny” or accidentally stepping on their toe without saying “excuse me.”
We’re in an age where kids’ lives may be in jeapordy if they respond verbally or physically to aggressive behavior, yet labeled “weak” and potentially risk being a target for additional bullying simply for walking away and telling an adult (i.e. “tattling”).
So the question is, what is a parent to do?
I want Kwabi to be able to stand up for himself, but what does that mean? And at what costs? And what message does it send Kwabi? That violence is okay as long as someone else started it? And how soon can a child really stand up for themself?
At this point, I honestly don’t know how I feel. Kwasi, on the other hand, in his culture, you take no shit lying down–you defend yourself however necessary. But again, this is a different culture, one marred by violent kids with no respect for human life.
At this age, Kwabi understands that hitting and hurting other people is not nice (“Dat not nice!”). Perhaps sitting him down after an incident and telling him that if a child hits him, to point his finger and sternly tell the other child, “Dat not nice! Stop it!!” No one knows if it will stop the hitting, but at least it gives him a voice to speak up for himself, especially if Mommy or Daddy (or another adult) isn’t around when the incident happens. Of course I would teach him to go and tell an adult or teacher immediately after it happens.
There’s also the question of, how do I respond to a child that is hitting Kwabena? I admit that it is uncomfortable for me to address it face-to-face with another parent, especially if the parent is a friend for whom I don’t want to upset or cause friction in the friendship. You would think it would be easier to address if the parent is a friend, because the camaraderie would put you at ease. But it seems to be the exact opposite.
A great option would be to say to the other parent, “Listen, I’m concerned our kids aren’t playing well together. How do you think we should handle this?” The solution could be a separation at that time, or an even longer separation until the kids learn to interact nicely.
Whatever the tactic, I whole-heartedly believe that bullying and hitting should not be ignored. To watch your child become target practice for another child is wrong (equally watching your child be the aggressor and not addressing it appropriately is wrong, also). Kids will be kids, and at times, it may involve aggressive behavior towards others. However, teaching your kids how to interact with others, and how to respond to others’ behavior, is a part of parenting that we simply cannot ignore.
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