I wasn’t going to talk about this here, but I feel like I need an outlet, and what better place than this blog?
Kwasi and I are officially trying to conceive baby #2 now. Well, we have been “passively” trying since Kwabena was 10 months old, meaning we weren’t preventing, but we weren’t actively trying, either. If it happened, it happened. But it didn’t, or hasn’t, happened yet, and it’s been 19 months. In the past 6 cycles, we have actively been trying, using ovulation predictor kits (OPKs), temperature charting, and a whole host of tips and tricks that worked with Kwabena.
Mind you, it took a long time to conceive Kwabena, too–nearly a year and a half, after all was said and done. And my, my, my, what a gift he was, and is! Each day I marvel at his magnificence!
But now we’re trying for #2, with no success yet. And I’m not sure how I feel about this.
Part of me feels jealous of other moms my age that are seemingly able to conceive with simply the decision to become pregnant. And part of me feels content and so blessed with being a mom of 1.
I look around to women that I know who are over the age of 30 and who (a) aren’t married and have no prospects of a husband or child, or (b) have been trying to conceive for so long and who have been unsuccessful. Part of me feels almost selfish for even wanting another child, considering that we already have our little miracle baby Kwabena.
But I feel so submerged in constantly hearing about conception and babies and pregnancies……every time I turn around, someone I know is either getting pregnant with #2, giving birth…..talking about pregnancy symptoms……or talking about something newborn/infant related, and I feel like I just cannot relate. It makes me question: Am I passionate about having another baby? What if it doesn’t happen for us? How do I feel about this?
I think there is a thin thread of jealously running through me that wishes it were me, that *I* am the one that is preparing for baby #2. On the other hand, part of me feels completely content with being a mom to a “only child.” After all, Kwabena is our miracle baby!
I was watching the Oprah show one day when she had Celine Dion on, and Oprah has asked Celine about having another baby. Celine’s response was so perfect and rang true with me. She said she would love to have another baby… but that it took her 6 years just to conceive her son…but if she wasn’t able to conceive again, there is some small window in her mind that says if it didn’t happen, then she would be okay with that because she already HAS her miracle baby.
And I soooo identified with her comment! I would love to have another baby, too. But I think that if it didn’t happen, I wouldn’t be totally crushed, because I have already been blessed. I have experienced the joy of feeling my son grow and kick inside of me……..I have memories and pictures and videos of the first smile, first tooth, first words, first time he said “Mommy” or “I love you”….all these beautiful things that some women never get to experience. For that, I am thankful and mesmerized.
Anyhow, we will keep trying (at least for a while)…and each month that it doesn’t happen, there will be a moment of disappointment. But I will look to my miracle child and be thankful that I have already received a gift that which so many women are still struggling to receive.
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