Today I was cleaning out my work email and found this, a poem of some sort that one of my friends had shared with me, author UNKNOWN. I re-read it and started tearing up, because it hits home. I had read it before I gave birth to Ohene, but it didn’t have the same impact as it does now that he’s here, because now I understand and have experienced how things have changed:
LOVING TWO
I walk along holding your 2-year-old hand, basking in the glow of our magical relationship. Suddenly I feel a kick from within, as if to remind me that our time alone is limited. And I wonder, how could I love another child as I love you? Then he is born, and I watch you. I watch as the pain you feel at having to share me as you have never shared me before. I hear you telling me in your own way, “Please love only me” and I hear myself telling you in mine “I can’t”. Knowing in fact that I never can again. You cry, I cry with you. I almost see our baby as an intruder on the precious relationship we once shared. A relationship we can never have again. But then, barely noticing, I find myself attached to that new being, and feeling almost guilty. I’m afraid to let you see me enjoying him—as though I’m betraying you. But then I notice your resentment change, first to curiosity, then to protectiveness, finally to genuine affection. More days pass, and we are settling into a new routine. The memory of days with just the two of us is fading fast. But something is replacing those wonderful times we shared, just us two. There are new times — only now we are three. I watch the love between you grow, the way you look at each other, touch each other. I watch how he adores you, as I have for so long. I see how excited you are by each of his new accomplishments. I begin to realize that I haven’t taken something from you, I’ve given something to you. I notice that I am no longer afraid to share my love as openly with both of you. I find that my love for each of you is as different as you are, but equally strong. And my question is finally answered to my amazement. Yes, I can love another child as much as I love you, only differently. And although I realize that you may have to share my time, I know you’ll never share my love. There’s enough of that for both of you—you each have your own supply. I love you both and I thank you both for blessing my life.
— Author Unknown
This paragraph speaks volumes about how I have been feeling. I knew that things would change with the birth of Ohene. How could it not? I mean, you’re introducing a new person into your life, into your family, for eternity. There are bound to be reactions.
The thing I didn’t realize is how my relationship with Kwabena would change. As the author above wrote, I can’t just love Kwabena anymore. Ohene fills my heart, too. I cuddle him and feel so in love with him and every inch of his cuteness, nearly the same way I cuddled Kwabena (but there’s nothing like your first child!). But I also feel guilty that Kwabena has to share me. Before Ohene, it was just me and Kwabena most times. Kwasi would be working all weekend, so Kwabena and I would spend hours playing, or taking trips, and just spending time together. My whole complete focus was KWABENA.
Now, much of my time on the weekends is tending to Ohene, since Kwasi is working, and since infants require so much attention. And not to mention that there are still chores and things that need to get done. I feel bad that I cannot be there for him 100% the way I used to be. I feel bad that I had to take some of that love and attention away from him.
On the other hand, I now also realize that I probably gave Kwabena too MUCH love and attention pre-Ohene. I know most people would scratch their heads at that–“How can you ever give too much?” they ask. But I see it….The way that I spoiled him with attention. The reason I called him “son” (sun) was because my world revolved around him. 🙂 But not anymore. My world has to revolve around two kids–two boys that both need and want their Mama.
And sometimes I feel as if I have given too much attention and love to the point of it handicapping Kwabena…..took away his ability and desire to play independently…. took away his ability to initiate activities on his own… Well, some of that could be personality, as well. He does tell me that he doesn’t like to play on his own, or do things by himself; makes him “sad.” Or, it could be that I was his playmate for so long, and didn’t let him discover how it feels to have some alone time by himself, that now that I am more busy and can’t drop everything to entertain him, he doesn’t know what to do with himself. Sometimes I feel like he’s just roaming around the house, doing nothing, unable or unwilling to direct himself to activities that he enjoys, simply because I am not leading him. I have noticed that when we’re playing something together (e.g. Play-Doh), the minute I need to get up and do something else (e.g. tend to the baby), he will follow suit. He gives up the activity. Miss Marilyn has noticed that he does that with school work there, as well; sometimes she purposely moves away just to see what he will do, and sometimes he will do the same thing–just stop, as if he’s waiting for the adult to come back.
So, because of the excessive attention and “spoilage” (i.e. being a “helicopter mom”), I am glad that Kwabena’s now got a sibling that requires attention, too. It means that, hopefully, he will now spend the rest of his life learning that Mommy isn’t going to be there to hold his hand with everything….That he will need to learn to do some things on his own. It means that he has to spend more time being independent, and less time being instructed by Mom.
Ohene will have it easier, because he, too, cannot be the center of my world. Often times I am busy tending to Kwabena, and if Ohene is starting to whimper and fuss in his bouncy seat, I can’t just drop everything to go running to him. He’s learning from an earlier age that the world won’t revolve around just him. He will learn how to sit by himself and play for a little, or to initiate a game or something fun that will entertain himself, without me having to say, “Here, do this.” Do I feel guilty that I can’t give him the same level of attention that Kwabena had at this age?? Yes. But I also am wise to know now that it will benefit him in the long run.
The most beautiful part of all of this, though, is having two gorgeous, smart, healthy kids, and knowing that they will (hopefully) be best friends for life. Although I usually feel like I am taking away from my kids, I know that I have given them the gift of siblings, and that’s something for which they will forever be thankful.
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