I just returned from a solo weekend trip I took to NYC over Mother’s Day weekend. It was spur of the moment. On Thursday I had the idea, and by Saturday morning, I was on the Greyhound, headed to NYC for a weekend of “me” time, and to meet up with my friend, Morning, so that we could hang out and catch a Broadway play.
It felt great having that “me” time, especially the 8 hours of total reading time on the bus. How refreshing!
But what was interesting was the conversation I had with a coworker on that Friday, prior to when I left. She’s got a 20-month old. When she heard that I was taking a weekend trip to NYC, without my child, she smiled and said, “I would feel so guiiiilllttty.”
Guilty?? Why?
She stated that in all her son’s 20-months, she’s only been apart from him (with the exception of work during the way) once or twice.
Huh……?
Why do moms feel like they can’t be away from their child without feeling guilty? I remember when Kwabena was younger and nursing, and I could not, and didn’t want, to be away from him, either. I wouldn’t say it was guilt, but there was definitely the thought, “My child needs me. No one else can do it like me.”
But I have since given up that sort of thought, and for several reasons. The first reason is that Kwabena is older now. Granted, being nearly 3 years old, yes, he’s still needs me. I’m his Mom, after all. But he’s so much more dependent now than when he was an infant: he’s potty-trained, he speaks in full-sentences and can very well express what he wants and doesn’t want, he has spent nights with his grandparents and did well, and the very basic point is that he’s just not a baby anymore.
He’s proven that he can be independent of me…of Daddy…and still thrive and smile and laugh. The truth is that he doesn’t need me like he needed me when he was an infant.
That’s why I don’t feel guilty when I am not with him. In December, Kwasi and I left him with my Mom for 5 days, and he did well. Didn’t cry for me, enjoyed his cousins, and my mom got to spend quality time with the grandson she doesn’t get to see very often. In fact, he was asking to go back to Nanny’s house after he left there. How can I feel guilty when he had such a good time?
Moms that feel guilty when they are away from their independent children….I just don’t get.
In fact, I think it’s unhealthy. It’s unhealthy because these moms build up their life and their existence around their children so much so, that when their kids finally do become more independent, and even leave home to start their own life, they don’t know what to do with themselves.
I asked this coworker of mine, “What about ‘me’ time? Do you get any of that?” She responded, “What’s ‘me’ time?” She goes to bed exactly when her son does, too.
I’ve always enjoyed my “me” time in the evening. When I am home with Kwabena, I do my best to give him my full attention. I’m always talking to him, joking with him, interacting with him, even when I may not feel like it (e.g. when I’m sick, or when I just wish I could go to sleep early). I give him my all. But when he goes to bed, that’s my time in the evening.
Moms that don’t take that time for themselves lose themselves. What did they like to do before kids? Read? Paint? Ski? etc. Why should moms feel guilty if they continue in the things they like to do? Just because every minute of your time isn’t consumed by your children doesn’t make you a bad mom. Maybe it makes you a well-rounded mom that still believes “YOU” exists outside of your child.
It’s one thing to totally love your child and really enjoy spending all your time with your child. But it’s another thing to feel guilty when you go and do something else that is not with your child.
I refuse to feel guilty, because I know that my child is okay. He’s got a whole group of people in his life that love him, that want to spend time with him, too–not just me.
Grandmas deserve to spend the night with their grandchildren. Dads deserve to get “Daddy and me” time while Mommy spends some quiet time on her own.
Your child will be fine. And so will you.
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