I have started doing something that I thought I would never do. I have started telling Kwabena to fight back.
This is something that Kwasi has been trying to instill in Kwabena for some time, particularly when other kids bully him or hurt him. We have gotten into many disagreements over parenting issues, and this includes how to instruct Kwabena to handle conflicts.
Kwasi primarily does daycare drop-offs and pick-ups , and he’s the one that witnesses the kiddy disagreements, toy-stealing episodes, and bullying that occasionally occurs (e.g. normal things toddlers and young kids go through). I think the way that Kwasi approached trying to instill some “stand-up-for-yourself” values was not the way that I would have done it. However, I see a little more clearly now that teaching Kwabena how to handle conflict is something that needs to be addressed now.
Since Kwasi’s been in Ghana for over a week now, I’ve been doing the daycare drop-offs and pick-ups. I have seen times when another child takes a toy from Kwabena and his reaction has been one of hysterical crying and covering his face. Miss Marilyn had been trying to teach him to use his words during these times (i.e. to come and tell her) instead of having a sort of melt-down reaction. Witnessing this was discerning to me, because of course you don’t want to see your child upset, but you also don’t want to see your child not being assertive when people (albeit kids) are mean or hurtful.
So after I saw how he reacted when another child took his toy, I started instructing Kwabena on how to respond when another child takes his toy and doesn’t ask for it nicely. I told him to take it back and firmly say, “Do NOT take my toy!” I reinforced that if another child wants to play with his toy, then they must ask nicely, just like how he is supposed to ask. We even did some role-playing! And I think he understood.
The icing on the cake was last week, however, when I went to pick up Kwabena and my poor baby had at least 15 scratches or marks all over his face and neck. Miss Marilyn hadn’t noticed it until he had woken up from his nap (how could she not notice unless she wasn’t looking at my child??). She tried to quiz Kwabena to find out what had happened, but he wasn’t saying much about it. Later, he told me that one of the other kids had “played dinosaurs” on him. Supposedly, he and another child like to play “dinosaur” sometimes, and although Miss Marilyn tries to stop them because the older child is a bit more rough, maybe that is what happened and she just didn’t realize they had played “dinosaur”?? I also think that if it was something that happened during play, then perhaps Kwabena didn’t run to tell Miss Marilyn because he knew it wasn’t intentional scratches…? (Usually Kwabena tells when someone does something to him).
And to top it off, the next day I noticed 3 painful-looking bite marks on his arm and back. WTF?? Who is hurting my child, and how come no one knows what happened?? Kwabena wasn’t saying much about it, either.
Whatever it was that happened, I was upset over this. I told Kwabena do NOT let anyone hurt him. I told him that he is supposed to tell Miss Marilyn if someone hurts him. But I also told him something that I had never told him before: “if someone hits you, scratches you, or bites you, you hit back! Don’t let anyone hurt you, do you understand me?”
I realized that I had crossed some sort of line that I had never crossed before–telling my child to physically stand up for himself if someone hurts him. I always wondered how do you go from telling your baby and toddler, “It’s not nice to hit people” to now telling him it’s okay to hit someone that hits THEM first? Are they even able to comprehend something like that at 2.5 years old?
Then again, I’m from the “old school” where this is just how it is–someone hits you, you hit them back. In fact, hit harder! In fact, that is what I was taught growing up. I admit that I never really had to use self-defense in this manner (well, not really), but it was there as my back-up weapon: You fuck with me, and I’m going to fuck with you. And I knew that I had my mom’s support 100%.
So now I’ve got a child of my own…one who I have raised to be a gentle, non-violent child. And I have come to believe that he can continue to be a non-violent child as well as learn how to physically defend himself if necessary.
Yesterday at daycare, while I was standing there talking to Miss Marilyn, one of his buddies pushed or hit Kwabena in the back. His first response was to tell me. When the child did it again, I was actually proud to see Kwabena stand up for himself and hit the child back on the shoulder (albeit gently!).
I’m sure there are many parents reading this, horrified that I would actually pride my child on hitting another child. To that I say, wait until you see your child come home with unexplained bruises and bite marks, and not even the teacher can tell you what happened; and no one was punished (although Miss Marilyn is working hard to find out what happened). My position has become one that NO one is going to physically put their hands on my child while he stands there and takes it, simply because he doesn’t know what else to do. Our job as his parents is to give him a set of tools to use in those situations–both verbal and physical–and permission to use those tools.
I can’t wait to get him involved in karate…..
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