Yesterday I quit one of my mom’s groups.
In many of my conversations with friends and family, they often heard, “well, in my mom’s groups….” proceeding much of the parenting discussions I’ve had. I would offer up my views on parenting choices…views and experiences from girls in my mom’s groups, and suggestions based on things I have read and seen of these other moms. And I would would feel thankful that I had a network of other new moms with which I have connected with throughout my pregnancy with Kwabena, as well as throughout his infancy and now, toddlerhood.
One thing I have learned from being a mom is that we moms like to think that we are making the best decisions we can possibly make for our kids. At times we later find that there could have been a better way. And other times, we are confirmed that we made the right decision. But where problems have occurred in my mom’s groups are when we are challenged in our decisions.
I know for myself I have been challenged and have been defensive, only later to think sometimes, “Hmmm….maybe I could have done it a different way.” However, even if I have come to see it other ways later on, it doesn’t excuse another mom sarcastically asserting views and beliefs when someone chooses to do it another way.
Too many times in my mom’s groups, moms have criticized and judged, in ways that felt very unsupportive. And then the drama would start, only to heal over with a superficial scab just waiting to be scratched and unearthing a fresh wound later, to which it would never heal.
My point is that there will always be different ways to parent–some more traditional, and some more alternative. Regardless of which decisions a parent makes, there are ways to offer up advice without making another mom feel like it’s a call to defend.
Yes, a mom should be confident in her decisions to parent, but I have realized that even the most confident mom can get fired up when something so personal as to how she parents her child is judged and criticized.
Several months ago, I had my own judgements and criticisms for a friend who was parenting in a way that I thought needed some improvement or unsolicited advice. Even done under the most kind of words, my words still struck a nerve. To this day, the relationship will never be what it was (which is okay by me), because, again, from one mom to the next, her parenting felt like it was being “attacked.”
Anyhow, regardless of how criticism or suggestions are offered, parenting is one of the most sensitive topics to discuss. And when you’ve got a mom’s group with moms all talking about she does things or does not do things, moms are liable to feel defensive–even the most confident. So, it’s a type of social gathering that needs to be treaded lightly. And I felt like one of my mom’s groups was not. So it was time for me to leave.
I definitely have been positively influenced by women in my mom’s group, and am thankful for the experiences that have shaped who I am today. But many things are only here for a reason and a season.
Currently, I am still a apart of another mom’s group, with moms with whom I share a long history of pregnancy hormones, diaper tales, poop stories, and toddler tantrums. And it’s a group of women that are challenging, yet respectful of parenting choices, non-judgemental, and supportive.
Thank God for that.
Leave a Reply