My friend, Tamra, brought up an interesting discussion in my July 06 Mom’s group regarding the question of whether each of us moms are more of a friend to our child, or more of a parent.
I thought it was a very interesting discussion, because I think there is this misconception that if you’re a “friend” to your child, then there’s an implication that you lack discipline, and there’s a fear of saying “no” to your child–fear that the child will no longer “like” you.
The question to ponder is: What is the different between “friend” vs. “parent”? Is there really any difference? Can you be both? Or are the two mutually exclusive?
I believe that Kwabena is one of my best friends (other than Kwasi, of course). I spend every evening with Kwabena, taking care of him, playing with him, laughing with him, joking with him….And on the weekends, it’s even moreso. Kwasi works nearly every weekend, so usually it’s just Kwabena and me, hangin’ out, going on little day trips, spending beautiful weekends together exploring fun places, or just having fun at Chuck E. Cheese.
I believe that “friend” and “parent” can coexist. Being your child’s friend is coming from a place of honestly enjoying your child’s company….respecting your child and their ability to make some decisions on their own…nurturing their nature without expecting them to fit into a particular mold that you think they should be put in….it’s about listening to them and validating their feelings and their wants….understanding where they are in their lives, developmentally, and encouraging them to be who they are, etc. I think when you’re your child’s friend, yet you know how to parent gently and responsibly, it fosters a trust, respect, bonding, between your child and you.
Kwabena is my bud….I whisper to him during a moment of intimacy when he’s cuddled up next to me, watching tv or something, “Kwabena, I hope that we can always be this close.” There’s a bond there between us. Not just mother and son. But a bond between two people that really enjoy spending time together. We engage in fun conversations, laugh about silly things, make faces at each other, share inside jokes, and just enjoy each other’s company. But when it’s necessary, I hold my ground, gently, and he knows when I am serious.
I have to point out one caveat, though, is that sometimes it depends on the child, too. Growing up, my sister was incorrigible! The worse teen! Involved in too many things that just couldn’t call for my mom to be the “friend.” My sis had too many friends, and she needed a strict parent that wouldn’t stop until her daughter was on the right track. I, on the other hand, was the model teenage (I’m not shitting you!) and rarely misbehaved or didn’t follow direction. I respected my mom too much and her opinion of me, and her trust, were things I didn’t want to ruin. I would have to say it was probably because my mom was my friend. Of course I knew she could be a bitch when necessary, but I never gave her reason to be.
With Kwabena, he’s been the most easiest child to parent in terms of discipline. He’s never been a biter….a hitter (okay, occasionally, but it was never a phase for us)….or a child that needed such strict parenting. He’s been easy-going his whole life. The biggest issue we have is not listening during the times when he wants to be super-silly and energetic and playful, and will not focus on doing the things that we ask, in a timely manner, such as getting dressed, putting on his shoes, etc. But these are minor things. Outside of those, he’s an easy (albeit super active and tiresome) kid. His temperment, along with consistent parenting, allows me to focus on being his friend moreso than needing to be a strict parent.
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