I know that when I am older, say, in my 40’s, one of the things that will stand out about my mid-twenties, but particularly my early 30’s, is the experience of being surrounded by pregnancies and babies.
It’s drenched in every crevice of life when you reach this age, because it’s the prime age when women are cranking out their first, second, third (or even more!) baby. In my July 2006 mom’s group, 90% of the women have either had their second child, or are currently pregnant with their second child. Hell, I bet even some of them will soon be on their way to having their third baby soon!
Even in the news, particularly the tabloids (e.g. People, Us, etc.), look at any cover, and all you see is the latest headlines about who’s having a baby, who’s baby is the most “chic”, who looks like they are having a baby, etc. It’s a baby craze.
In my work-life, a coworker just delivered her first child last weekend. And today I found out that a coworker (whom I had known was going to be trying for her third child starting this fall), is 13 weeks pregnant. I don’t know if everyone else in the office knows yet, or just me. She did comment that she is very sensitive about telling people about her pregnancies (to people like myself that are trying to conceive; I guess she doesn’t want to make it seem like a rub in the face: “I’m pregnant and you’re not!”).
And with all of this, I am still questioning, how I really feel about conceiving a second child.
I’m reading this book by Martha Beck, called Steering by Starlight, Find your Right Life No Matter What! She’s a life coach and author who appears monthly in the Oprah magazine. She coaches just that–how to find your right light and listen to your inner North Star. There was an exercise in the first chapter where she instructs you to list five things that you most frequently wish you had. She didn’t say whether to list them in order, but “Have another baby” made my list at #4. (Hmmmm……).
Martha Beck then pointed out, to my surprise, that if you’re like most poeple, the things you wrote down probably aren’t what you actually want; that, more likely, each thing is a means to an end. That, what we think would bring us happiness often won’t do the trick; that, what we’re really after when we yearn fro something is a feeling state.
So the next thing is to complete the sentence: “When I have Thing #4 (having another baby), the sensation I’ll feel is: __________________.”
Filling in the sensations for my other wants were easy: for example, creating a budget and schedule (something that I so wish I could just get together) would allow me to feel the sensation of CONTROL.
My number one “thing” I wanted was a bigger house. That would give me the sensation of accomplishment and success and the joy of giving Kwabena something that I never had as a child.
However, when I tried to think of the sensations that having a second baby would bring….my mind blanked. Of course, it would be similar joy that I felt when I found out I was pregnant with Kwabena, and feeling the baby move, and the anticipation of who that child is and what they would look like, etc. But the thing that came to mind was that having a second child would allow me to join the club of women who are able to conceive: the sensation of fitting in and being normal, having that oh-so-mystical 2.7 kids.
But my “ah ha” moment has occured during this post: I am satisfied having only Kwabena. But I am afraid that if I admit to that satisfaction, then Fate or the Universe or God (whoever it may be) will challenge me on that satisfaction, and I fear that my ability to conceive will be taken away. Then what if I start having the same intense desires for a child like the desire I had for Kwabena? What if I am made to eat my words of satisfaction? Could I endure the disappointment of really, really, really wanting a child, and not being able to achieve it? I’ve seen many a women in that situation, and it’s quite depressing, and I don’t want that to be me. I don’t want to jinx my ferility.
How ridiculous is THAT??
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