This weekend while away in Canada, Kwabena had quite a few melt downs: at the ski slopes while waiting on equipment rentals… at the mall… several places, in fact. And several times, I did lose my temper a little, only because I felt like his temper tantrums were disrupting everyone around us. Most of the time it was because he wanted to run away from us, even though we had repeatedly told him not to. And when he got carried back to where we were, he would fuss and cry, drawing attention to himself. Kwasi was even more cognizant of the eyes on him; one man even walked past and slipped Kwasi a piece of Werther’s Original candy in order to–what??–brib the kid to be quiet? LOL
(sorry, dude, no rewards for bad behavior)
At one point, at the Toronto Mall, Kwabena was having a bad tantrum, and threw his brand new toy car across the store. I picked it up and told him, “Okay, if you don’t respect your toys, and you have this kind of bad behavior, then you don’t get your toy car for the rest of the night.”
He hooped and hollared for a good 15 minutes about that car….all the while, I stood my ground and ignored him, although, occasionally explaining why he wasn’t getting his car back at that moment.
In the car, he cooled down, and we had a talk about his behavior. He totally understood, and I’m quite amazed how mature he is in having a conversation with about his behavior (well, as mature as mature can be or 2.5 years old). The funny part was, after our discussion and we had “made up” he tried to slip me a slick, sweet line and a smile:
“I want my car back now.”
Oooh, no you don’t, buddy. Not for that behavior!
But what was most interesting to me was how important it is to stand your ground when punishments are handed out. If I had given in to Kwabena and gave him his car, what lesson would he have learned?? He would have learned that Mommy is full of shit, and that there are really no consequences to bad behavior. Of course I would have liked for him to enjoy the car. But I would have undermined the discipline I just set out to accomplish. It was also interesting how he tried to ever-so-slightly slide into our conversation how he was ready to have his car back. When did toddlers become so “conniving” at 2.5 years old?? LOL
So he didn’t get his car back that night. He ended up falling asleep on the way home, anyhow, so there was no need to thrawt repeated requests for his car that evening. But the next morning, as soon as he woke, the first thing he asked for was his car. And I took that moment to reiterate to him the times when he gets to play with his cars (good behavior) and when is cars are taken away (bad behavior).
Another thing that works with him, I am discovering, is this whole concept of “happy face” and “sad face.” At daycare, if he does his work and has good behavior, Ms. Marilyn draws a happy face on the top. He really identifies with this meaning he did a good job. So I have decided to use this tactic for his behavior. For example, if he misbehaves, I remind him about how he’s doing very well and getting a “happy face” for his behavior; vice versa for bad behavior.
And although we don’t have to give him an actual happy or sad face, just mentioning it as worked a bit.
Another thing I have started to do is to give him warnings, and being very clear about what number warning this is. He gets three warnings. For example, “Kwabena, I have asked you two times to stop doing that. If I have to ask you again and give you a third warning, I’m going to [fill in the blank with the consequence].” I am finding this works well. Ms. Marilyn said that she uses this with the kids, too. When they are younger than three, she will give them three warnings. When they reach age four, she will give them only two warnings. And as they get older (i.e. five years old), she will only give them one warning. I think this is totally fair and effective!
One thing I don’t believe in is having to spank a kid. Now….I may say differently in the future! But I honestly don’t think I will. I think by being consistent with kids, and setting clear consequences that will affect them (e.g. taking away a favorite toy), you can steer behaviors.
During our Canada trip, Kwasi and I were repeatedly bombarded with parenting advice from his younger brother and cousin, both of whom do not have kids: “You need to spank Kwabena! He doesn’t listen to you! Spanking will make him behave!” My thought on this is: please don’t give parenting advice until you’ve at least raised a child on your own–then we can talk.
Leave a Reply