Guilt

Tonight I watched Kwabena’s montage, the one I made for him for the first (nearly) 2 years of his life. It was so sad to me. It was great seeing the old pics, and even noticing some pics where Ohene looks so much life him. But it was sad because it was so bittersweet. There is nothing like the relationship you have with your first born, before any other kids come. It’s a magical time in your life that you will never forget. You spoil your first with tons of attention, and you can’t get enough of them.

But it feels bittersweet for me because our lives have been so hectic this year, with the birth of Ohene last December…..trying to manage 2 kids and not feel like one is getting more love and attention than the other….. and on top of it, trying to sell and buy a house simultaneously.

My attention has been split beyond split in the last number of months, most certainly. Each weekend, cleaning has taken precedence in my life, because it was all about showings, and Open Houses, and inspections, and appraisals, and looking at homes. I am thankful that it’s all about to be over. I know we have a lot to do in terms of getting moved IN and getting UNpacked, but if the timeline is relaxed, then perhaps I can get back into paying attention to my kids.

Part of it is guilt. I feel guilty for not having the ability to spread my attention to all parts that need attention. And right now, and as of late, I feel like this homebuying has taken priority. Also, because Ohene is more demanding because he’s a baby (and because he simply deserves the same kind of attention that Kwabena got at this age), I feel like I ignore Kwabena lot. I think I take advantage of the fact that he’s 4 years old, and able to take care of himself for chunks of time, where I can then take care of Ohene, or spend time with him, or get some cleaning done.

When’s the last time I just sat down and played cars with Kwabena?? I used to do that. When’s the last time I just sat down and really listened to him? Other than going to Target together, when have he and I simply gone somewhere by ourselves to spend quality time? He tells me that he likes spending time with just me and him together. Yet, it’s something we rarely do. Once, Kwasi accused me of “spoiling” Kwabena when he and I took a trip to Target to look at toys, just he and I. (That’s B.S., by the way; it’s not spoiling).

I want to do more of those things, and get back to being able to focus on our individual relationship. I also want to be able to do that with Ohene so that he and I can bond without feeling like he’s not getting the attention he deserves.

I wonder if other Mom’s feel this way? Feel guilty for having to ignore your child when shit needs to get done, or when the other child simply needs you…?

Today after Ohene woke up from his nap in Kwabena’s room, we were laying on my mattress (which is on the floor, waiting to be moved to the PODS container–come on, closing!!!!), and there, he and I just spent some time connected. I was being silly with him, teaching him more about the eyes, and nose and ears, and making dramatic faces when he pulled at my ears, etc. It was so much fun! And it made me realize that Ohene deserves that special attention, too. Kwabena got soooo much of that sort of attention, and it’s just harder to do it now, with 2 kids AND real estate transactions looming overhead.

You know, several weeks ago I had to get some shit done to my car. And it was probably about 2 hours that we were there at the dealership. The kids were outstanding! Kwabena was delighted with the iPod and movies on there, and Ohene was happy practicing a few steps here and there. And I just remember thinking, “Wow, I can actually FOCUS here on my kids and enjoy playing with them, instead of having to rush and CLEAN something!” Seriously……! I really enjoyed waiting there for 2 hours. Kwabena, actually, was consumed with the iPod. But at least, with Ohene, I could PLAY with him and really do it without feeling like there was something else I needed to go rush off and do.

And that’s the problem. I feel like there is always something to DO, and that it interferes with me being able to just enjoy what I am doing with my boys. It wasn’t like that with Kwabena. We’d spend lazy afternoons at home, playing and just bonding. Or, we’d take weekend trips and go do something fun, like go the aquarium or something. Or hang out at the Baltimore Harbor. With Ohene, now, with 2 kids, and shit always needing to be done on the weekends, I feel like the weekends are about me and my cleaning and house stuff than about the kids. And I simply can’t wait to not feel on a time-line pressure to get things done, so that the kids and I can get back into relaxed fun!

Well, I’m sure I am not alone in this. I think it is a hard transition going from 1 kid to 2 kids, AND adding serious shit like buying and selling homes, in the mix. Tough! But, we’re getting closer to the end of the rainbow, and I’ll be so full of joy when that day comes, so I can simply get back to loving my kids the right way.