The war is not over…..This war raging inside of our house; this parenting war, that is. Everyone is finally talking, but there needs to be more productive talking going on. Yesterday Kwasi and I talked a bit (if you want to call shouting voices “talking”), and I do see his point in parenting the way he does; the “bigger picture” as he calls it. The bigger picture involves trying to help Kwabena achieve the small things, like manners, and responsibility like cleaning up after himself (e.g. putting his clothes in the laundry shute), so that he can move on to other things and responsibilities.
And although I see his point, his “bigger picture” of constant nagging and bitching at Kwabena, I don’t agree with his tactics. Most times I think he bitches and complains too much, and is like a drill seargeant. And I would never want someone shouting and demanding this, that, and the other at me, from all angles and sides. Unless you’re in the military, it’s probably not a very effective way to parent :-/ .
One thing he complains about to me is that I don’t stand with him on a united front. The fact that sometimes I am silent, he says, reinforces that I don’t agree, and it creates a parental division. I can see that. I can also see that Kwabena may feel that I am not “rescuing” him, which is okay, because that is why I am being silent sometimes. One parent screaming at you, barking orders, is enough, most times.
Yesterday I told Kwasi that I will do better about standing more united with him in front of the kids, however, that there needs to be a way to let him know if I don’t agree. And he actually tried to make it sound like there will be no disagreeing, that it’s HIS way. Um….no. That’s the problem: he’s so damn STUBBORN and has this “I’m male, hear me roar, I want to be king of the househhold,” and shit really isn’t like that in our house. Man doesn’t rule all.
My problem is, how do you back up a spouse that is trying to “discipline” your child, and you don’t agree?
Here’s an example:
Last night there was an incident that was just crazy. Kwabena had eaten all but ONE BITE of his rice and beans. Kwasi kept telling him, “Finish it up, Kwabena. Clean your plate.” Kwabena complained that he didn’t want it. And when he wasn’t eating the last bite, Kwasi came over, scooped it up with the spoon, and actually tried to SHOVE it in Kwabena’s mouth!!! Then, he started trying to scoop it up with his hands and put it in Kwabena’s mouth!!! I couldn’t believe it.
Of course, at that point, I calmly intervened “Okay, come on……”, and Kwasi sent Kwabena up to his room, crying, and Kwasi went up to his office. Five minutes later when Kwabena came back down, my attempt at “standing united” was this, “Kwabena, you DO need to eat that last bite [even though I didn’t really give a shit about one single bite of food, but I wanted to let him know that yes, if Daddy says you need to eat, you need to eat.]” But instead of shoving it down his throat, I scooped it up on the spoon and said, “Here, take the last bite.” And he took it, NO PROBLEM, and went and put his plate in the sink, and was fine. Simple enough, right??
Jeez………
It’s that kind of shit that comes up, and how can you compromise with someone who soooo wants to forcefully exert control?? I can either keep my mouth closed and fume inside while in front of the kids, or I can stay silent and not make the situation worse at the moment. My opinion on the food thing is this– if he doesn’t eat, fine, but nothing else for the rest of the night, unless he wants to finish the meal. No snack, no milk, nothing else but what he should have eaten. Same thing with his lunch. Kwabena most times comes home without eating lunch!!! So I have started telling him, “Fine, you don’t eat, but that’s exactly what you’re eating for dinner when you come home if you don’t eat it for lunch.”
Kwasi, on the other hand, wants to force Kwabena to eat anything and everything that he’s given for dinner (for example, CORN, which Kwabena has NEVER liked), and my opinion is that, he’s got a choice, and he has to bear the consequences if he doesn’t eat or doesn’t eat much.
Anyhow…..yeah, we really need to figure this out, because with it’s not like Kwabena is our only kid and that we’ll soon be moving out of this phase. Nope, we have TWO MORE behind him!
We really need parenting classes, or better yet, FAMILY COUNSELING. Otherwise, I don’t see our relationship surviving raising kids together. We’re too different in techniques, and we lack the insight and respect at how the other one is parenting.
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